my random musings, now in words.
I always find myself tearing up together with the clouds, and this moment now is no exception. So tell me, you anonymous big-hearted readers of mine; how would you respond when people spat out at you to look at yourself at the mirror and underestimate your talents and constantly remind yourself that you do not belong to the ‘other world’ you kept on dreaming about ? How far will you go to convince yourself that you are who you think you are, no matter how negative people think about you? To what extend will you plead to God for strength? What is your next step and what will you possibly do, now that you’ve failed to become the kind of person other people wants you to become? You’ve failed, and the only thing to back you up is a bunch of lies and to tell yourself that there are many others who failed as well. And you stopped till there. Too stubborn to think that if you work only a bit harder, you can actually change what’s destined? You’ve shed tears, and sometimes angst dominantly control your soul and you’ve heard success stories about your idols going through a similar scenario like yours. But how can they be so strong emotionally? How can that be possible, you asked. But you can never get the answer directly. Welcome to the journey of hardship, love. It’s gonna be a long one, but please don’t die.
And you, if you keep wondering, and even if you feel like there’s something I am hiding from you,or think that I am holding back from something, here’s the reason. You are perfect. Or at least, you appear to be perfect. You lead a happy life, and it seems like there’s nothing wrong with it. Not now. Not ever. So it is very difficult to share my issues with you sometimes. There’s a voice at the back of my head yelling that there is no point telling you shit, because at the end of the day, it is moi who’s stuck with the shit, not you. It is very hard for me to open up because that voice shouts back at me and said that you’ll never understand how it feels like being me. We never shared the same shoes, for heaven’s sake, and that is one of the many reasons the little voice in my head told me that I should just stop telling you my shit. And not only because of that, you know. It is because you are happy all the time. Or at least, from the way I see it, so I really do not want my shitty issues to bother you. And to burden you. Because I am not worth your time. Really, I am not. Seriously.
Let’s go back to this, man.
Looking back, I felt stupid. But as I look forward, I felt empowered. I hope I am right with this particular feeling. I tried to feel empowered. To keep my calm and move on. But how can I fucking move on when it felt like somebody just stabbed my kidneys forty7 times and it constantly bleeds? Sure, it takes time to heal, and I’m not a robot without emotions ya know. I’m a human. But I guess ya’ll know that already. An insecure, awkward and often, a vulnerable one.
A shout out to those whom I’ve dissed, disgusted and disappointed; from the pit of my gut, my apologies to you. I’m fucked as a dog now and believe me, I don’t say that often. I’m sorry for being in existence. I’m sorry for making my voice lingers through your earlobe. I’m sorry for absolutely every shit I did to you. I’ll be better. But that’s not a promise. It’s a mission.
Dear God, I understand I am nowhere from a financially stable family, nor I am genetically blessed. I accept the idea that I am a stubborn bitch, but I hope you can shed some light on me, just to wake me up. I want you to know that I am forever grateful with the passion you gave me to embrace performing arts. I will try to swallow the toughness of life bit by bit and I know I’ll always have you up above. And I want you to know that I’m trying to be truthful , but please somebody; switch shoes with me?
And one day when we look at this blog again, we’ll let our pride do the talking.