my random musings, now in words.
Letting this out is really hard because I am never the type of person who can relates emotion with words. No, I am too stupid for that. Sometimes, or more like most of the times, I am glad I have this blog to write my shit. No, I am not born to be a writer, I am just a confused soul who likes to write even though it does not have any particular meaning. I am grateful to have this blog because sometimes I think nobody will understand me unless written, because I am bad with expressing myself otherwise. I am also glad to have this blog because I can no longer express myself with words on paper like I am used to. I am definitely blaming the technology for that. But most importantly, I am thankful to put the existence of blogs in good use because it makes me stay sane, in a very twisted way,as the craziness and gloominess of my life start to shy away from me, I can look back on what I’ve written and pat myself at the back and say ‘Damn, you’ve gone through the drama and you survived’.
You know I am always in a search for happiness. Some just never put so much thought into it because technically, they are in a happy position, but somehow they take it for granted. Or like some others, they resort to buying things and so the materials they bought will eventually make them forget the despair they had. But my definition of happiness in beyond that. Happiness is more like something that you will look back at, and remember it like it only happened yesterday. But my mind works weirdly, see, because I remembered every shit that happened to me ages ago. It is really hard for me to forget, yet alone to forgive.
I cannot help but to be green with envy to the fortunate ones who have people to lean on through their tribulations. Well, I said to myself, sometimes you just can’t have it all. These dramas, see, makes me think, goodness, I am alone in this world. I mean, literally, even though I have my lovelies, it is me and me alone who will face this shit, and God above will be the one witnessing. And if that kind of feeling does not spell pain to you, I don’t know what does. Dramas are like battles between the strength you had inside and the life that you had. Its life against your own emotions. And sadly, that’s how it is from my point of view.
From the way I see it, happiness is something you worked hard for. Like being in a marriage. Like getting money. It’s a definite responsibility, and working hard is the only way. Maybe if I work a little harder for it, God will give me that in the end? Sometimes I just want to grow up a little faster, because I wanted to see where life will take me in a few years. Will I still be in the dungeon of despair? Will I still be in a sink of sorrow? Will I still be within the territory of foul mouths? Will you be there?
The question here is; in my darkest hour, in my deepest despair, will you be there? And in my trials and tribulations, will you be there for me? And through my doubts and my fear, will you be there for me? In my anguish and my pain, will you be there?
I don’t think so.