my random musings, now in words.
You see the look that’s on my face
You might think I’m out of place.
I’m not lost, just undiscovered.
~James Morrison, Undiscovered~
I love this song. It reminds me of many things. It’s powerful. And I love the sense of being alive after listening this song.
I knew it. I’ve expected this anyway. I am at the verge of breaking down with this rehearsals shit. Oh, cancel that, I already did. At the basketball court. Around 4 PM. During rehearsals. Overwhelmed. That’s the feeling. When you were told to expect the worse , you probably should. Because it’ll make you ready for it.
The show will be on in a week. And I felt the pressure. And the burden. And it’s killing me. I am tired, disappointed, and frustrated towards myself, for not meeting the production’s expectation. To make it worse, I’ve disappointed myself and that’s what I need to remind myself with.
Being in theater is difficult, no doubt about that. But it’ll be worse if this is a fresh new production to you, and you unexpectedly (though secretly intended) got the female lead, and as a newbie, the seniors are bashing out to you as if you are not worth their time, as if you are just some fresh psycho maniac who thinks that she can keep up with the work of a real production. Ok fine, so I tried to look it at the bright side, in a positive way. When the seniors talked and talked about the same thing about acting and all the shiz over and over again, I tried to pretend to listen, and dive myself into somewhere for calmness. When they complain about how you are lacking in memorizing your script, I tried to take it up as a healthy challenge to prove them wrong. But it seems that I am far from succeeding.
The director told me to stop stressing, and looked at me like a pressure cooker, who can’t stand pressure. He later remind me that by next week, the pressure will be so high, everyone will go crrrazy. Everything will go crazy, so I need to prepare myself for that, by not stressing now. But to come and think of it, I am not stressing out for nothing. I am stressed out because I myself am struggling with my lines, and to top it off, there are some seniors who talked rubbish at you as if you do not know a thing in theater, and kept on bashing you ‘because they care about you’.
I admit that I am kinda slow in memorizing my lines. I need to try and focus more. Yeah, I am trying. This reminds me of the days when I used to walked back to my hostel when I was rehearsing for Bakai. Man, I am so proud of that production. Me and my girl Amy will be walking back, but with me tight-lipped. Amy will be like ‘.M., chill’, but I can’t simply chill for nothing. There is nothing to be ‘chill’ about. I am an alien to myself at that time. After rehearsals, the only way for me to ‘chill’ is to be quiet. To remain calm. To try and blank my mind out. I choose to stay quiet, and this naturally happen to my now.
I just choose to remain quite, and those people thought that I am too pressured with this shit. That’s insane. It is just me, ya know. I prefer to stay quiet. That’s me I guess, and nothing can change that, because it is completely up on me whether to take your advice or not.
Sigh. Tomorrow is a new day. I am clearly tired now, my head is aching. My apology for such a lengthy and grammatically incorrect post. I’m just tired, but had to let this out.
p/s: My wish, is for us to win the best production award, and to work harder, so I can satisfy myself, and prove to them that I am actually worth something, and win something for myself. I’d love that.