my random musings, now in words.

Can’t find the way, ’cause the way is gone.

‘Have you ever been so lost?’

I am officially in Uni as of now, typing you this, to tell ya’ll that rehearsals was fine yesterday night.

I am made the understudy for the lead female role, and also one of the minor parts, which is a nurse.


And yesterday, on my way back home, as The Father was driving the car during the night, I cried.

In the car.


~The people I never felt belonged to.~

I remembered during my Science boarding school days, I always tried to hold back tears after I said my goodbyes to The Family, and during the whole ride back to the school, I’ll look out the window, and just felt, so lost. And I think the sense of being lost, had stricken me again during yesterday night’s ride back to Uni.

I am lost. But I know what I am doing. I think.Yes I am pretty sure I do.

So when I said my goodbyes to The Mother (a brief one, with a quick hand shake), The Mother gave me a hundred bill. And I took that without a ‘thank you’. And she added ‘That’s my last hundred bill ya know’. And I nodded. And so she said ‘If you already know your results, tell me ASAP.’ I nodded again, acting out as if I had no idea about the existence of my bad results. And then I left. With a pang of guilt. With the sense of lost.

During the car ride, I was quiet. Not to say that I am always chit-chatty with The Father, but I am exceptionally quite, because I was thinking about many things. I had this song in my mind, which is very close to my heart, and very heartfelt. I felt kinda guilty for telling my mum how important theater is to me in a sarcastic manner, because I am always sensitive and emotional if I talk about theater. It is my life, but I was hold back from it by her, so naturally I should  be sensitive and emotional about it no? And she was making a big fuss about it, because of  her concern to my studies in Law. And she was like threatening me, that I’ll be expecting some big shit if my results turned out badly, which is already is.

I’m out on my own again. Face down in the porcelain.

Feeling so high, but looking so low.

~Bakai, 2008~

It’s not like I take my chance to study in Law for granted you know. If I am not fated to undergo my Foundation year in UiTM, I wouldn’t have a bunch of friends who take me as I am, and I won’t know a great person with the biggest heart as my roommate. And I wouldn’t experience acting in a real production of Bakai, which is my first real production which includes heavy make-up and rigorous dance routines. If I am not fated to study in the Uni that I am in now, I probably won’t get to chance to act in front of my whole residential college, even if it is just a sketch. A simple one, but served as the opportunity for me to tell everyone that my love for acting is mutual. I probably won’t experience the rare rejection and challenges real actors have to face during my gig in Mock Trial last semester. And finally I won’t have the experience to be in this particular production that I am rehearsing since last week.

See, I don’t think I take things for granted. I am making the best out of it really, for me to stay sane.

If I love reading law so much, I will probably gush about the Rule of making a contract or the defences in Torts and what not. But I didn’t. Because I see myself reading law, as a duty, not doing it out of love, sincerity and passion. So we have a problem there, folks.

‘Have you ever been so lost? Known the way but still so lost?’

In four years time, I know what I will be doing, but I certainly do not know how. If the things that I am doing now serves as the baby steps to stardom, then be it. My good friend L.A. was nice enough when I met her in Coffee Bean, and said ‘You are like a person, who wanted to become the President of America, but is ignorant to know about America.’

That’s deep, I must say. But ya know, she is just speaking her mind out, and I digest it as it is and tried not to think about it so much. But ya know, I am aware that the industry is hard and difficult, and to tell The Family that I wanted to do this for a living is a big step of hardship also.

So if I pray, am I just sending words to outer space?


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This entry was posted on December 28, 2009 by in MY CONCERNS.

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