my random musings, now in words.


This will serve as a reminder of my burdened life.

Okayzee there’s so much going on through my little mind right now.

Have you ever felt your presence unappreciated? Or worse, you just felt yourself as the burden of the family? Well, I had. I am suffering it now. Again. The feeling just haunts me back again, as if it is the most anticipated feeling I’ve always want to feel since forever.

Today, The Brother’s big PMR exam results are out. I know he worked hard for it. Ok screw that crap. I DO NOT KNOW HOW HARD HE WORKED FOR THIS BECAUSE NATURALLY I AM SUCH AN IGNORANT SISTER AND I AM AN IGNORANT HUMAN BEING ALL TOGETHER WHO DO NOT CARE LESS ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE’S LIFE BUT MY OWN. Anyway, so The Brother scored a string of perfect A’s for his big exam, and unlike me, his idiotic, unpleasant and ignorant sister who flunked her Geography during her time with a big B, and what is this, actually? What is this feeling?

Is it some damn jealousy arising? Truth be told, I am perfectly aware, I am the screwed up first child who had nothing to be proud of, and struggling with my law studies in my new Uni with an even worse results to bear with. Damn it. This feeling is too much to handle with. My annoying  little heart and my little mind just can’t cope with this colossal amount of happiness from the whole family who celebrated The Brother’s cleverness or something.

It’s devastating at some point. I am at the brink of telling myself that I am no longer worth my parent’s time because of my constant idiocy and my natural ignorance to the important things in life.

~Jakarta late 2007~

YES THIS IS SOME TWISTED KIND OF JEALOUSY. The Mother’s been so happy for The Brother, and she was like ‘Call up The Aunt, call up The Grandad  about this great news’. Right. Now that particular giddiness of The Mother occurred on me when I first got perfect string of A’s (my first and my last really) when I was twelve. And she gave me my first hand phone after that. But then that was just it. That’s all. Not that I am asking anything more. But that was the end of The Mother putting high hopes on her first child. Indeed I know she have high expectations on me, which is truly unbearable and devastatingly impossible to achieve due to my lack of determination to achieve what she wanted for my own life. Damn this misery is just sick. And I am typing this in such a pathetic manner. I am sorry for this shitty piece of journalism everyone.

To make it worse, I still did not break the filthy news of mine to The Parents regarding my first semester’s result. Sigh.

And to top it off, amidst all those yays and yipees from everyone, The Father had to blow my steam off and said ‘How come .M. just got seven A’s when The Brother got a perfect eight?’ I am not sure he is joking or randomly saying lousy words or intentionally saying that for a sudden wake up call for myself.

Well I am perfectly awake now, ya know. Man, I do not know where to start ya know. The Mother was like ‘My Goodness, all the money I’ve spent to pay your tuition fees pays off’ to The Brother. I wished that happened to me years back. Those happy moments. The feeling that I am actually worth something in The Family. But eventually those words shot me in the heart like bullets. I felt a pang of guilt. I always had it anyways, but now it is getting a bit too bad for me. I can’t handle this. I felt, um, stupid. But ya know, deep in me, I am glad The Brother got awesome results. It is because, with that, The Mother won’t be horrible for a couple of days. It’ll shift some burden she felt towards me to happiness, gratefulness and giddiness towards The Brother. And that is good in a few ways.

Right now, I am just the first child. Nothing else.


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This entry was posted on December 24, 2009 by in MY CONCERNS.

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