BLOG OF RANDOMNESS

my random musings, now in words.

INSECURITY KILLS.

But does it even matter anymore?

  • Sometimes, when people thought you are abnormally reserved, it is only because you prefer not to talk too much, because you know the words and the things you will  be saying appears to be pathetic to them.
  • Sometimes (OK ,say oftenly) you just choose not to look at yourself at the mirror, because you know that at the end of the day, you are still the ugly person you think you are, and there is no way to change that. Whatever you’ll be doing to prep yourself up, you just know there won’t be any pleasing changes.
  • Sometimes, I wonder why do I like acting. And as I put my thought on it, I felt like when I act as a somebody, pretending to become a different person, and convincing other people with a different persona that I had, I felt that my presence is much more appreciated. And I like that.  Apart from that, one of the methods I practice when I start rehearsing is to engage with my character, thus literally pushing away my depressing life details. It felt like I’ve left the traces of  .M. elsewhere, and embracing a ‘fake’ character. It comes naturally, really, and how I wished I can have that ‘fake’ character forever. I just, I just do not like myself. The person that is living in me.

Is there a way for me to love myself again? How can you dig for the strength you once had, in order to love yourself again? Is that even possible anymore? Will you do it for love? Or just to keep sane?

  • Yeah, sure, people will be like ’embrace your flaws girl, Be free-spirited, Be alive, look at the bright side’. Seriously, people who spat those on my face is full of bullshit. Seriously. Accepting your flaws? Who taught you that, hmm? I thought the life is about improvement, moving forward. Not accepting things as it is, right? I tried okay, I tried. I’ve been on top of my game, the supreme of my life and someone just had to push me down.

Everything comes down to the person whose blood flows in me. Who have no trust in me. Who never accepts me for who I am and dictate me to follow her mold.

And those who never know the meaning of appreciation. Never know about it, and never will.

Those who think that they are all that.

Those who thinks that the world practically revolves around them, the type who wants to make you suffer, in a hope that they can see you rise again, so that they can push you down all over again, till the whole sick process kills you.

And finally, those who always think that they can do whatever they want to you (degrade you, mistreat you, etc), like you are some computerized emotion machine because they are just toooo full of themselves.

Sigh.

Before my insecurities kill myself, I better kill these people first.

Maybe the life that I am leading to is my own play. My own secret production. When I pretend to be blissful when obviously things are shattered inside. When all I did is caring for someone else, when that particular person never did the same. Stop saying you care for me. Stop saying that you are a ‘text’ away, and when we chat you’ll expect me to ask you questions, when you never did the same to me. What am I? Your personal interviewer? Is that how things are now? By asking, and not informing?Or maybe I am just an ungrateful brat? You like that term? Hmm? Me too. UNGRATEFUL BRAT. YEAH.

Man I’m psychotic. And I’m sorry.



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3 comments on “INSECURITY KILLS.

  1. wani
    December 8, 2009

    omg great article…i love ur fourth point..the accepting flaws, improvement etc thingy…people alwys tell me “be urself, accept flaws, dont change bla3” *yawn* BORING! “be urself” no longer applies to me…because what if i am an evil bitch, do i need to change or just be myself? and the life improvement thing…that makes the two of us =)

    • asille
      December 8, 2009

      i am flattered that you read this. yes yes, improvement itu penting kann?
      but um great article? i dont think so, babe.
      but thank you for your kind words anyways. I hope it’ll make you a Superwoman or something after this.=D

      • wani
        December 8, 2009

        make me rich pretty pls? LOL

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This entry was posted on December 8, 2009 by in MY CONCERNS.

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