my random musings, now in words.


~Bakai rehearsals, Sept the 25th, 2008~

This is a dedication to my good friend Khalilah, who always have amazing words to soothe me, who always puts me back on track through her words in emails.Thank you.

It is amazing, how our mind works, right? When you start to have those crazy, almost delusional form of thinking, it personally¬† puts me into a higher level of craziness, I tell you. I, as a humble human being, never limit my imagination, but sometimes, things got out of hand, and I myself could not control my imaginations which runs wildly. Too wild, in fact. And from the way I see it, I’ve been imagining how I will end up dying ya know, nowadays. I thought I’ve gone psychotic at one point, but I guess God knows why I am thinking like this. There will be a few moments during the day that I will be thinking, ‘ How will I end up dying?’

Maybe, just maybe, all those action thriller movies had shocked me so much, so I started to imagine to the extreme. Will I be shot to death? Will I die from a car accident. Goodness, this scares the hell out of me, this death-thinking thing. Or should I called this, my death fantasy?

I suppose many have sex fantasies, etc, but have you ever had a death fantasy before? Is having one considered as normal? When I sleep at night with the lights off, those creaky sounds I hear from my room upstairs, it shook me up. I was thinking, will there be anyone trying to get inside my house, and eventually kill all five of us? Yes, to that extend, how my mind works.

To be thinking about death, is not a bad thing, I am told. It makes us wiser in a way, so that we know the consequences of our actions. It indeed terrifies me, because I am not a good servant to God, the Almighty. I tried to, but I never felt like one. I tried to, and I wished I could be one.

All I want, regardless of anything, is to leave this world in peace and happiness, and to spread the love as much as I can. Because I know I am never ready for the day itself, I guess it’s better to live the life to the fullest, in everything you do, and to put God first. Always.


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This entry was posted on November 30, 2009 by in MY CONCERNS.

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