my random musings, now in words.
HOW BIG, HMM?
OK, so this will not be a post on getting proposed by some random guy or something.
How can you sustain happiness in life?
Life is weird ya know? You can never have too much of something. You can never experience something to the fullest. This thing, you see, limitations I call it, annoys me to bits. Why do you limit yourself when you do things you like? Yeah, you will go ‘Oh to hell I’ll limit myself when I do things that I like’ Yeah right.
Many of you, and even me, might think that ‘Why do I need to care about what people say when I do things in my liking? It’s my life, not bloody theirs.’ But truth is, we, all of us, the many forms of humankind is actually restricting ourselves, to avoid negative perceptions from the public. It’s only in the nature of a reasonable person to be liked, yes? I mean, regardless whether you understand how life works or not (ex: that in life not all the people you know may like you for who you are, etc.) at some point, you obviously want to be adored/liked/loved? Hmm?
I was in the cab when i question myself. How can i sustain happiness in life? And now I am trying to answer myself , as it rains rather romantically outside, as my crazy roommates are laughing about some urm things, and while i listen to MJ poetic songs. Right.
Of course, I always find myself in a position, where I’ll be like, do i belong here? Am i supposed to be friends with them? Do they even like me? The general question, first of all, am i even happy being myself as a person, .M.?
I believe i am never a critical thinker, but sometimes,when i think about certain things in life, i just cant get my mind off it. How can somebody achieve the highest level of happiness in his life? Does that even exist? My girl friends were like ‘Music makes me happy, it always does, sort of.’ And another will be like, ‘I still have my family, no?’
I mean, say a person right, not having a good relationship (or close relationship, whatever you call it in fact) with his family, and he then have friends who are, you know, fun to hang with, but only to that extend. Not the fictional friends, i daresay, who will always get your back and trust you to the fullest. What will happen to him then? What if he do not give a shit to the world of music. WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO HIM?
Is it right for me to blame my upbringing for what i suffer now? Being in a different Uni now is weird for me at first. The whole new world is open for me to explore, know different types of people, and eventually get myself a set of awesome friends, i should think.
Don’t get me wrong. They are a bunch of super awesome and kind people, but they are different, you know? D I F F E R E N T. My new girl friends will be all chirpy-like and say ‘Oh .M.!! What is wrong with you, let me give you a hug!’ And then we hugged. Or more like one of them hugs me and I’ll put my hands in my pocket, not knowing what to do next. I appreciate the embrace ever so much, but i just, stupidly, do not know how i am supposed to react after that you know? Weird you think? Pretty much.
Because I am never that type of person you know? I have no idea whether I led a devastating life before i stepped into Uni, but for instance, my mum never hugs me, as far as I can remember. We are just not that close. Physical contact within my family is just weird. or NOT NORMAL, in a way. That is why i start to freak out when somebody offered a hug to me. And at times, I’ll cry to myself silently at night, thinking that i do not deserve to be friends with these honeys because they are just too kind to me. Its unreal for me, you know. My new girl friends are a bunch of girls who are constantly happy and i find that fascinating. Unlike me, who always find something to burden myself with.
Do i trust them with all my heart? Am i really happy with them? Am i happy being .M.?
i understand that i lead my life in a different way i never imagined it will come into existence. But that’s life, i guess. Always unexpected, always unfair. I understand that i need to make everything work somehow (like graduating in 4 years and still be sane for example.), and maybe, maybe I can start searching for my absolute happiness after that?
If I can achieve my dreams, I will be happy.
I promised to myself, if I can prove to myself that I can be what i wanted to be, I will be happy.
What exactly makes me happy?
When i see myself (Insyaalah) in the near future, me being happy expressing myself in the world of performing arts.
What drives me to be happy?
How can i sustain my happiness?
By thinking that I am fortunate enough to live (to breath and eat, etc.) that I at least have a home and persons called family to feed me food, to give me a bed to sleep in, that I at least have friends who listens to me and who appreciate my existence, that i still have the freedom to express myself (or in other words, to keep me sane) by performing, and make art (though secretly), that my hard disk still contains music that I love to hear every hour, that I still own my own set of color markers so i can keep on drawing, and finally, by reminding myself that I am at least, lucky that i do not have to face other form of hardship that I myself can’t even imagine.
*I shall leave my destiny in your hand dear God. Please, please open the doors for me to redeem myself. Please?