my random musings, now in words.
Who the hell says being an actor is easy-peasy?
Who the hell thinks when you’ve become a Disney product, your acting career will be easier?
I always wonder, deep in me, what does it feels like being a Disney product. Personally i think that those people are really tied with the Disney’s image to become squeaky clean and all tha shizz. You can’t do this, you cant do that. And obviously you need people like BRITNEY SPEARS to break the rule and become a product of herself. Sometimes, i pity for those people who can’t get out from the shadow of being a Disney product. Obvz people will be like ‘Oh, she’s a Disney baby. She can’t do nude.etc etc.’ You know what i mean? It must be hard for them, for those who really wanted to make a name for themselves, and not just to be known as a Disney product/baby. Nevertheless, i admire how hardworking they are. It must be super-hard for them to not do certain things, all in the name of Disney. (if you know what i mean.)
On a different note, i always wonder how my acting career will turn out like. Well, obvz i never acted in some major movies and all that, but i know i had to start from somewhere. So that leads us to my experiences being in school and Uni productions.
I LOVE BEING IN THEATRE PRODUCTIONS.
Okay, truth be told, my first and official theatre production that I’ve been into was the one i did a year ago in Uitm,
which was an adaptation from the original Greek version of The Bacchae. Only we did it in Bahasa Malaysia. God knows how many bruises and bleeds i had to suffer to become the perfect character of Bakai Satu. Only God understands why i was stressing at that point of time, as to the fact that i can never understand what my lines actually means. Only God knows the answer to why i was lead to what we call the *ehem Actor’s Depression Syndrome. Okay enough of that.
Besides the fact that i love joining theatre productions, my love towards simple sketches/short drama on stage never subsides. I enjoyed acting in Nothing Else Matters in Uitm, where i witnessed a bunch of devotees to make the production possible. From the set-makers, to the choreographer (yeah, there’s a lil tango number that we need to do during the half session of the show), and of course, to the director herself. She is AH-MAZZING. My name was Heather then, and this was the first role that i need not have to audition for. Its surreal for me to have my own bunch of friends trying to get me act as the lead, because, i just can’t face it, WHY ME???? Out of the other chicks, WHY YOURS TRULLY? WHT MOI?? Suddenly i felt like ‘WOH, PEOPLE RECOGNISE MY ABILITY TO ACT. THAT’S BIG’. Of course, i would love to help my friend at that moment, but deep in me, i just feel that i TAK LAYAK to become this Heather. However i gave in, and there i was, acting as Heather. Living my life as Heather. Breathing like Heather. The pressure was on for me because, i know many of the production crew was doubtful on my ability to act. I am not popular in Uni for God sake. Obvz people will be like ‘WHOO THE HELL IS SHE?!’ Ya know what i mean? So its hard. I remember those nights after rehearsals, where i looked at myself in the mirror behind the door in the room i shared with other three hardtofindandamazing souls, i told to myself ‘I CANT DO THIS. I’M NOT GOOD ENOUGH.I CANNOT BECOME HEATHER. I AM STUPID ENOUGH TO ENGAGE MYSELF TO HER CHARACTER.’ Yes, people, besides acting, i can be a lil bit too dramatic when i do my own personal monologue.hee.
Back to the point, it is apparent to others that even though i had directed a few productions in high school and starred in some others , i am just not good enough to become a good actress. And i know its all a loooong learning process to be confident that you can take up any role. So yes, i have a loooong way to go. I know im inexperience. I know i sound pathetic at times. So i need to change that.
Being casted in the faculty’s annual Mock Trial show this year is a starting point of my acting career in University of Malaya. Okay tipu. I acted as Datin Bee during the final day of Orientation Week, but that’s kinda different. Its a different experience altogether being in Mock Trial. Its like doing stand-up comedy but with law infos here and there. Its like being in a trial full of silly jokes.
BUT I CANT DO JOKES.
SOMEHOW MY CRAZY-MARLISA BUTTON WAS SWITCHED OFF.
It was really challenging for me to master the art and skills to make people laugh. I know its difficult, but i have no idea how EXTREMELY difficult it was. The director was like ‘Melle you are a terrific actor but you need to loosen up a bit. YOU ARE NOT FUNNY AT ALL.’ sigh. We rehearsed for weeks, and my performance being a witness in the trial declines. i had a hard time trying to be funny. AND I FAILED. AND ITS DEPRESSING. i was so mad at myself because i cant make jokes naturally. i was mad at myself that i am such a grandma sampaikan i cant make an audience of twelve to pay attention during my scene. During that particular day, i just wished i could just leave the Auditorium right at that moment. i told to myself that i had failed miserably. Nobody was paying attention to what i was saying. i am their answer of boredom. After rehearsals, i kept asking God, WHAT HAPPENED TO ME? IS THIS A SIGN FOR ME TO STOP DREAMING TO BECOME AN ACTOR IN THE FUTURE?
I plead for strength.
i know because of me, the whole trial will become boring. So that leads us to the night after the preview of our Mock Trial. I knew this day will come. Being an actor myself, i know i just need to step out from the production. I just cant become the person who is responsible to make the Mock Trial a goddamn failure. So the High Committee decided to cut my scene out. And i agreed. Even though it hard for me to face that fact.